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When our relationship was still in its infancy, my ex accidentally discovered the handicap parking tag hanging from my rearview mirror: blue, the frozen color of permanence, issued to me by my doctor for the fatigue and leg cramps I sometimes experienced with my fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition that affects the nervous system.Rattled by a thunderstorm and running late, I’d completely forgotten that my ex might see it when he walked me back to my car later that night.I am used to being multiple steps ahead at all times.I constantly predict how each decision I make might affect my body, which leads to some advanced forecasting skills.
We continued like this until a rainy April day in 2015. “I treated you differently because of it, yes,” he said. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still carry some scars about all the months I didn’t fully understand the root of his behavior (or was in denial). But hidden within my analysis after our relationship ended was that aforementioned lesson: My ex did not love me, as he once claimed — at least, not in any way I consider worthwhile.
More than that, I hope you find someone who loves you for those same reasons you love yourself: your pain, your past, your ambition, your strong opinions, your goals, your crazy family, your mistakes, your triumphs, your secret habits, whatever it is.
I hope you find someone who loves you for the very qualities that others have questioned, who helps you accept the stuff you sometimes struggle with, and who recognizes that “flaws” are just part of your story. If you’ve ever been known and not loved, I hope you don’t let it stop you from revealing your full self again someday — hopefully to someone more capable of loving.
I’ve always been okay with that: working with people.
Relationships are complex; no one is perfect all the time.
These cycles continued throughout our on-and-off relationship.